life in denver

sitting here like a bump on a log, about to eat spaghetti. Alex is playing with Truman. feeling pretty happy colorado has been good to me over the past year and a half.

went to church this morning. hated it for the most part. i found myself marvelling more at the wonders of the chick guitar player than at the wonders of God.

the search continues

i'm not sure why i only want to communicate my thoughts when pain and heartache have overrun my emotions. does not joy bring a person to pick up a pen and record it for historical purposes? why do i have no interest in remembering the happiest times of my life, but when everything falls apart, nothing short of hell itself could rip the pen from my hands.

technology has lost all of its charm to me, so i'm surprised to find myself here right now. i think it's just because i can't sleep. thoughts pour into my head like volumes of incoherent books, drawing me to reach up to the ceiling with my hands as if to say, "i surrender, just let me go."

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears and all the
faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater you see
But i have seen the same I know the
shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth which will
refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through
my tears
And know my call despite my faults and
despite my growing fears

So come out of your cave walking on
your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence when
you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

summerrreflections (up to this point)

yo. so i've been missing russia a lot the past couple of days. it all started with watching this movie with my dad. at one point this character comes home from france and she's in the airport with her family being happy. that made me think of coming home from russia, hence, making me miss russia. then i watched the movie UP with my friend kerry the other day. just the concept of "adventure" got me thinking about russia too. i dunno. The further away from siberia i get, the more dreamlike that time period seems to me in my mind. it's like i'm trying to hold on to this really heavy suitcase but my hands are full and all i have to hold on to it is my pinkie.

after work today, with russia and life twirling around my brain, i went for a run. i finally broke down that barrier i've been eyeing the past few weeks. i blasted through 2 miles and tore all the way to 6. it felt good to fiiiiinally find my rhythm. i've been looking for it ever since i started training and it hit me today around the 3 mile mark. and for the first time in a long time, my mind was completely blank during the entire run. i wasn't really thinking about anything except running which was ironically refreshing. its been quite some time since i ran without some burning question to ponder. overall, i feel at ease. about my running, and working, and school...

the summer came in like a lion but it has settled somewhere around a duck or some other water dwelling bird. just peaceful days filled with a slowpaced meandering walk/swim.

sunrises

its 5:43 a.m. and i am starting on the last paper of the semester. its due in 6 hours and 17 minutes. i've been in the library for 17 hours now. i just started on a lot of stuff today. totally should have been doing all of it the past couple weeks but my focus hasn't been there. but! no worries. i'm up against the wall again and i'm comin through. its what i do. i'm looking forward to seeing the sun come up from my perch on the 6th floor. never pulled an "all nighter" before, but there's no getting out of it tonight. feeling sufficiently jittery and exhausted and drained and ready....ready for this semester to end so i can properly drift into summer tyler. i'll be so happy once the summer arrives. it'll be my busiest summer ever with jobs at the Alzheimers Association and Salvation Army as well as two summer classes and an internship at a nursing home in July. take all that and combine it with crazy awesome trips to the creek with my people and trips to visit friends in Chattanooga and Indiana and 2 weddings and softball every friday and catching up on all my history books and you have the best summer of all time. i've been hypin it up to everybody for the past 2 months and i don't think it'll disappoint.
its 5:54 a.m. now. according to the weather channel website, the sun is supposed to rise in 19 minutes. its strange because its still pitch black outside. i'm not much of an expert on sunrises though, seeing as how i haven't been up for one in ages. but i'm looking forward to this one.
i'm feeling at peace. with life and with school and with God.
still breathing. therefore, still living.

my beard is itching.

monday morning

the sun pleasantly poured into my window around 9:00 this morning. i arose without objection for the first time in a long time, checked my "do" which is the determining factor in whether or not i take a shower, brewed a cup of coffee and meandered out to the porch in my bare feet. i propped my feet up on the pillar and leaned back in my chair, soaking up the morning sun. it was peaceful.