someplace special

2010-09-19T22:51:00.001-07:00

went to church this morning. hated it for the most part. i found myself marvelling more at the wonders of the chick guitar player than at the wonders of God.

the search continues

2010-07-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure why i only want to communicate my thoughts when pain and heartache have overrun my emotions. does not joy bring a person to pick up a pen and record it for historical purposes? why do i have no interest in remembering the happiest times of my life, but when everything falls apart, nothing short of hell itself could rip the pen from my hands.

technology has lost all of its charm to me, so i'm surprised to find myself here right now. i think it's just because i can't sleep. thoughts pour into my head like volumes of incoherent books, drawing me to reach up to the ceiling with my hands as if to say, "i surrender, just let me go."

2010-07-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears and all the
faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater you see
But i have seen the same I know the
shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth which will
refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through
my tears
And know my call despite my faults and
despite my growing fears

So come out of your cave walking on
your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence when
you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

summerrreflections (up to this point)

2009-06-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

yo. so i've been missing russia a lot the past couple of days. it all started with watching this movie with my dad. at one point this character comes home from france and she's in the airport with her family being happy. that made me think of coming home from russia, hence, making me miss russia. then i watched the movie UP with my friend kerry the other day. just the concept of "adventure" got me thinking about russia too. i dunno. The further away from siberia i get, the more dreamlike that time period seems to me in my mind. it's like i'm trying to hold on to this really heavy suitcase but my hands are full and all i have to hold on to it is my pinkie.

after work today, with russia and life twirling around my brain, i went for a run. i finally broke down that barrier i've been eyeing the past few weeks. i blasted through 2 miles and tore all the way to 6. it felt good to fiiiiinally find my rhythm. i've been looking for it ever since i started training and it hit me today around the 3 mile mark. and for the first time in a long time, my mind was completely blank during the entire run. i wasn't really thinking about anything except running which was ironically refreshing. its been quite some time since i ran without some burning question to ponder. overall, i feel at ease. about my running, and working, and school...

the summer came in like a lion but it has settled somewhere around a duck or some other water dwelling bird. just peaceful days filled with a slowpaced meandering walk/swim.

sunrises

2009-05-04T02:42:00.000-07:00

its 5:43 a.m. and i am starting on the last paper of the semester. its due in 6 hours and 17 minutes. i've been in the library for 17 hours now. i just started on a lot of stuff today. totally should have been doing all of it the past couple weeks but my focus hasn't been there. but! no worries. i'm up against the wall again and i'm comin through. its what i do. i'm looking forward to seeing the sun come up from my perch on the 6th floor. never pulled an "all nighter" before, but there's no getting out of it tonight. feeling sufficiently jittery and exhausted and drained and ready....ready for this semester to end so i can properly drift into summer tyler. i'll be so happy once the summer arrives. it'll be my busiest summer ever with jobs at the Alzheimers Association and Salvation Army as well as two summer classes and an internship at a nursing home in July. take all that and combine it with crazy awesome trips to the creek with my people and trips to visit friends in Chattanooga and Indiana and 2 weddings and softball every friday and catching up on all my history books and you have the best summer of all time. i've been hypin it up to everybody for the past 2 months and i don't think it'll disappoint.
its 5:54 a.m. now. according to the weather channel website, the sun is supposed to rise in 19 minutes. its strange because its still pitch black outside. i'm not much of an expert on sunrises though, seeing as how i haven't been up for one in ages. but i'm looking forward to this one.
i'm feeling at peace. with life and with school and with God.
still breathing. therefore, still living.

my beard is itching.

monday morning

2009-04-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

the sun pleasantly poured into my window around 9:00 this morning. i arose without objection for the first time in a long time, checked my "do" which is the determining factor in whether or not i take a shower, brewed a cup of coffee and meandered out to the porch in my bare feet. i propped my feet up on the pillar and leaned back in my chair, soaking up the morning sun. it was peaceful.

....................

2009-03-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

i can't hold my eyes open.

i feel good about this

2009-03-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

i know. two posts in one day. its a little intense.
but the situation calls for it. i just got back from my interview at sundale and it was amaaaaaaaaaazing. as i walked out of the nursing home, all i could say to myself is, "i have to work here." i was so comfortable that i stopped caring about my mismatched socks showing when i crossed my legs. thats usually my barometer for comfort.
i walked into the building with a fair amount of nerves, but still pretty solid. a very nice lady simeltaneously held the door for me and asked me if i needed help. i told her i had an appointment and she disappeared around the corner. moments later she returned with another woman who was apparently very happy because she was smiling very genuinely. she said to me, "Mr. Parnell, welcome." first of all, can i say that it was awesome being called mr. parnell. as a young person today i have experienced that very rarely. she led me to an office that had several other people in it. they vacated so we could do our interview i assumed. the first thing she said to me when we sat down was, "So, where are you from." i was already very pleased with the direction this was going. when i told her nashville her eyes lit up and she wanted to know what famous people i knew. it is at this point, in any conversation, that i will inevitably exclaim, "well, one time i pumped gas next to billy ray cyrus." its my most treasured claim to fame.
i made great eye contact, took notes, smiled constantly, and nodded my head alot. we had great rapport throughout the interview and it ended very abrubtly, as if time had flown by and i didn't realize it. she showed me this thing called an aviary, which is apparently a gigantic bird cage in the middle of the hallway. it looked like a trophy case, except with birds instead. they had little tree like structures to sit on and hay strewn all about. she told me "the residents just love our aviary." i wanted to burst out laughing but felt the situation didn't call for it. before i could respond the double doors burst open and a parade of seniors filed out of the activity room, where they had just watched a performance by the texas based gospel group THE HINKLES.
"i have to work here"
would i be human if that thought wAsn't the first to pop into my head?

drinking a red plum nantucket

2009-03-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite things to do is go to class without showering and then shower as sOOn as i get home from class. i noticed that today because i overslept, and thus, was very much unable to clean up, as i was running and hurrying and dropping things and losing things on my way out the door.
i just got done reading through the brochure of Sundale, the facility with whom i will be interviewing in about an hour.....i'm a little bit nervous, but not nearly as much as i usually am for job interviews.
i think i'll where a tie.
i'm tired. somehow the oranges and apples and running and sit ups aren't helping my energy level anymore. what happened? i'm like the most drained person in america right now. i've got one final push to make before i get a little time off and a chance to catch my breath.
yes. i'm definitely wearing a tie.
in the meantime.............i'm just trying to stay on the cusp of joy and happiness and not being sick.

musing

2009-03-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

so tired today.
a long and arduous 11 days ahead.
and i think i'm getting sick.

this is bad timing

unsure

2009-02-24T17:18:00.000-08:00

i feel very alive and happy.
is it from the burritos i just made myself?
is it from wearing my favorite sweat pants?
is it froooom the rowing machine at the gym?
or could it be that i'm suited for happiness

sitting

2009-02-11T16:58:00.001-08:00

i was thinking today, as i often do while walking to class, about life. a bus passed by me and the smell of exhaust reminded me of russia. buses always remind me of russia. its been a long time since i've thought this, but i wished i was back there. i stopped in to get a parking permit for my car but to no avail. i didn't have all the necessary documents with me, so i meandered back out onto the sidewalk. i had a couple hours before class so i went to the coffee shop. i got a bowl a cereal and a vitamin water. i decided to sit by the window because i wanted to have the sun resting on me. i sat there looking out the window for about an hour. i had my phone off and all school related things out of sight. i needed a moment to myself that didn't involve thinking and it was surprisingly refreshing. the realization hit me that i could people watch forever, i think. there were all types of people walking by the window; big ones, little ones, old ones, young ones, pierced ones, gothic ones, athletic ones, and smart looking ones (although i'm not sure what the stereotypical look is for a smart person). it was intriguing to see everybody coming and going, completely unaware of the person that occupied that space 10 seconds earlier. and there were cars constantly driving by as well. the sense that we're all apart of the same world, yet all so different overwhelmed me. there was a "strategically" placed american flag blowing in the wind at the bank across the street that made me think about russia for some reason. i haven't really taken a second to just sit and think for a long time now. it felt so peaceful and i'm glad i did it.

interviews

2008-10-11T11:02:00.001-07:00

Teens in crisis are often neglected, which led me to interview Andrea Baumgartner, a social worker with The Monongalia County Youth Services Center to try and learn what she is doing to help. The center acts as a crisis center to troubled teens, providing a temporary home for up to 90 days. It is basically a house with 5 bedrooms that can house up to 8 teenagers between the ages of 12 and 17. Kids who are awaiting placement in a foster home or have been kicked out of their foster home, or are simply having family problems of a serious nature are eligible for the center. They also provide beds for emergency respite cases for up to one week. These emergency cases can include any situation where the police may be involved. Any time a teen's life is endangered, either by someone else or by themselves, it is included here. It is evident that the agency wishes to provide a family atmosphere for the teens during their stay. They do everything together including meals, work, and entertainment activities. Andrea Baumgartner, the social worker, with whom I visited, told me that they "want to provide an atmosphere for the teens that teaches them what a family really looks like."

Andrea Baumgartner is a youth service worker with the Mon county youth services center. Her professional responsibilities at the agency include supervision, supportive counseling, every day activities, emotion processing, and mentor roles. An average day for Baumgartner begins at 4:00 p.m. she works the 4-midnight shift at the house. When she gets to work she immediately starts dinner for the kids. After sitting down like a family and having a meal together, everyone does their chores around the house. They do this to help teach responsibility and hard work. Following the chores they share an evening activity together which could be going to a football game, watching a movie, or going bowling. After the evening activity, they get ready for bed, and lights out is at 11:00 p.m. She does bed checks every 15 minutes to make sure everyone is still in their beds until midnight, when someone comes to relieve her. She told me that her main role however is that of mentor to the youth. They look up to her as she does “things that their parents, at times, should be doing themselves.”

Many of the kids come to the crisis shelter because of getting kicked out of their foster homes. When I asked what reasons there were for getting kicked out, I was told that dropping out of school and drug abuse were the most frequent reasons for early departure. The teens must attend school while at the shelter, either by a home school teacher, or public school.

For reasons of secrecy, I was unable to actually visit the shelter. Even though I knew that it would somewhat hinder my ability to properly describe the day to day activities of the agency, I was intrigued nonetheless. Sitting down with Baumgartner, however, was still rewarding. She shared with me her vision for social work. She told me that even though she doesn't always see it, she knows she's helping those that she comes in contact with at the shelter. When she sees improvement in a particular area in someone's life she knows that she chose the right career path. This work fulfills her in a way that only helping people overcome struggles can. A particular boy
who struggles with anger, and with whom she had a physical altercation with, has grown “120 percent” during his tenure there. She says that it is rewarding to see that she has made a positive impact on someone’s life.

There are many social problems tied to the work of this agency. This is a crisis shelter, that accepts teens that are experiencing a myriad of difficulties in life. Drug abuse, dropping out of school, and domestic violence are all crucial to this shelter's existence. That is to say, if these problems didn't exist in the world, shelter's like these likely wouldn't stay open (which is supposed to be a good thing, is it not?).

Domestic violence is an interesting aspect here, because it doesn’t always consist of the parent abusing the child. There is one scenario that Baumgartner told me about, where they had a teen come to them because the police had been called several times in response to domestic violence calls from the parents, because he was hitting the foster mom. As far as domestic violence is concerned, our culture almost always views this in terms of the husband/boyfriend beating his wife/girlfriend or children. We do not see the other possibilities of battered husbands or battered parents. The may be the statistical minority in domestic violence, but they do occur. We must be sensitive to these situations and know that they exist, and not immediately think that the husband is crying wolf or being a baby.

I was also informed that dropping out of school led to being kicked out of their foster home, and hence the needs for shelters like these. It proves how important education is in the lives of young people, and the great emphasis parents and grown people put on getting one. I don’t believe you can put the blame entirely on the teen for dropping out. There are many influences that play a role in this thought process for someone. Sometimes in rural areas, there can be a sense of hopelessness as it regards leaving home. I am from a rather large city, but my whole family is from rural areas of Tennessee and this idea is very prevalent there. The thought permeates through the culture that “higher education is generally unattainable, so why even finish high school? What would be the point?” What efforts are being made by school boards and teachers to educate in such a way that our young people, in rural areas especially, are being steered away from this negative concept?

The first way that I could participate in the treatment of the teens at the shelter if I were in Baumgartner’s position would be, like her, to be a mentor, and on a very small individualistic level listen to their needs, and try to be involved with their life. The shelter only holds up to eight people, so there would probably be ample opportunities to be in one on one situations where one could listen and give important feedback about the direction in which their lives are going, and if their decisions play a big role in that journey and destination. More than any other age group, teenagers need and desire acceptance and appreciation by peers and elders. It would go a long way to their development if they had an older person in their life playing the role of big brother or big sister; someone who simply cares about them and wants to be around them.

From a mezzo standpoint it would be a good idea, especially if there are teens that are there for the same infractions, to have a group time where they can hear about the experiences and frustrations of the other people in the house. They may find that they are not the only ones with their particular problem or struggle, and find acceptance there with their peers. This could help further the cause of recovery for them if they know that they are not going through this alone.

On the macro level, the social worker could look at ways to get the community involved with the lives of teenagers in general, to possibly prevent future runaways and drug addictions from happening. Community centers and resources in high schools to fund programs that fight depression that the students could access would be ways to fight this problem on the larger scale. Preventative measures may be the best way because teenagers can be difficult to read sometimes, so it is not always possible to see the warning signs before tragedies take place. So getting to them first may be the most logical and effective method from a macro standpoint.

Talking to her only enhanced my desire, yet again, to be a social worker. Some of the stories he told scared me at times, like the boy who shoved her down the hall one day. It makes me question myself, because I have never been in that situation, and I am not quite sure how I would handle it. So, I do have some nervousness inside when I think about being in people's lives in an intimate way such as this, but it is that very thought that has brought me here in the first place. I am in the social work program because I want to be in people's lives, helping them in any way possible. I am not sure if working with teenagers is the best fit for me, but that does not hinder me from seeing the need for social workers in this area.

childhood obesity......not good

2008-09-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

Obesity is a great problem in the world today, especially in the united states. The rate of childhood obesity has been rising dramatically over the past 30 years, increasing three fold during that time period (Singh, Kogan, & Dyck, 2008).The problem is very daunting in the state of west Virginia, where over 30 percent of the general population and 20.9 percent of the adolescent population are overweight or obese (Williams, Taylor, Wolf, Lawson, & Crespo, 2007). The percentage of 6-11 year old children with a BMI above the 85th percentile increased from 15% in 1963 to 22% in 1994 (Caballero, Himes, Lohman, Davis, Stevens, Evans, Going, &
Pablo 2003). Many factors such as high food prices, easy access to high calorie foods, genetics, and physical inactivity contribute to this epidemic, making it difficult to understand (Thoenen, 2002). It is also believed that high consumption of high-fat snacks and soft drinks has played a role (Caballero et.al). Children's caloric intake has also escalated by 80 to 230 calories per day from 1989 to 1996 whereas levels of their physical activity declined (Harper, 2006).

The prevalence is highest among minorities and children belonging to low socioeconomic classes (Harper, 2006). One major problem with childhood obesity is that sometimes people refuse to view it as a problem. There are few educational policies in place that make it a priority for children and families to know about the epidemic. Statistically, low income populations are the ones who are most effected by obesity. This is a problem which requires education along with action. Economic status is a key factor in determining origins of the disease. Many people
in low income families and communities don’t have access to fresh fruits and vegetables and the high calorie foods are easy to get and much cheaper. The “family meal,” is being increasingly replaced by fast food or restaurant food, which is high in fat and calories but low in fruit andvegetables. (Harper, 2006). When you combine this with a lack of physical activity, it creates a situation that is more susceptible to obesity.

There is a break down in the education system. That’s where the problem begins. There is a lack of policy in education to fight the disease. For example, Illinois is the only state in the country that requires physical education by law for grades K-12 (Postlewaite, 2003). Many people feel that the physical education standards either aren’t high enough or aren’t innovative enough to properly dissuade children from engaging in poor eating habits. West Virginia’s physical education director, Bane McCracken, wishes to see the State Legislature and the schools
partner together to offer more nontraditional activities such as mountain biking and backpacking. He asserts that “our next generation will bankrupt themselves with medical costs, and 25 to 50 percent of our kids will have heart attacks and obesity rates of 70 year olds by the time they are 30” (Postlewaite, 2003). This seems to be an issue about which people are passionate. And because the school systems decide what goes in the cafeterias, they have a major role in the nutrition of many of America’s children. That is why many were alarmed when in 2000, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention did a study on school health policies and found that
many foods available at schools are high in fat, sodium and added sugars. A large number of these schools have vending machines and snack bars that the students can utilize while at school (Postlewaite, 2003). It is also now apparent that competitive foods, foods availableoutside the school meal program, are now accessible in many school systems. Ninety percent of public schools sell competitive foods that are not required to meet US Department of Agriculture (USDA) nutrition standards (Harper, 2006).

The obesity epidemic is a problem with many different causes. It is impossible to definitively state one cause, or even the most important cause. In west Virginia many factors including culture, inadequate transportation, poverty, lack of medical care and lack of health insurance, and physical inactivity are having large impacts on the health and nutritional well being of the people in these areas, thus making everyone more susceptible to obesity (Williams, Taylor, Wolf, Lawson, & Crespo, 2007). Increased calorie consumption and physical inactivity
are both becoming more commonplace in our society every day. Researchers at John's Hopkins University and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) discovered that children watch 4 or more hours of T.V. a day, not including playing video games and internet surfing on the computer, all activities that require no movement (Thoenen, 2002). Where young people once ran, jumped, and played almost exclusively outside the home, they are now spending more and more time in front of either a television or a computer. There have been several studies suggesting that high levels of obesity may be more strongly connected to a decrease in energy output than in increased calorie consumption (Thoenen, 2002).

It is clear to see that the obesity epidemic in this country is a multi-faceted problem. There are many factors that contribute and can be associated with it. Social policies engineered to stop the spread of obesity among youth are not very prevalent in school systems in the United States. They are especially lacking in the rural communities. With a problem like obesity that is so widespread, the government should be willing to take the necessary steps to see this disease erased from the population.

nighttime musing

2008-09-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

Earlier tonite I went for a run. The air was cool and fresh, and the moon was covered up by the clouds. I like running at night after a rainy day. The ground feels clean and the air in my lungs is refreshing. I knew I had work waiting for me at home, so it was good to clear my mind out on the road and just let it be, before I put it back to work, staring at computer screens and textbooks.
I like my home. It only makes sense for me to be learning while living in this city. I’m not sure I could live here otherwise.
Okay, this was a step in the right direction I think……back to work though.

a lot of words

2008-09-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

Welfare plays a big role in the makeup of American society in 2008. Every day the welfare offices in America see people come to ask for assistance from their government. Sometimes its just temporary until they can get back on their feet. Other times they have a disability, either physical or mental, that keeps them out of the work force. And sometimes they don’t need it at all, they’re just looking to cheat the system and gain assistance under false pretenses. Regardless of the reason, though, public assistance programs in this country are there to provide for and alleviate the suffering of the poor and underprivileged populations. It was necessary for me to try and gain more understanding by visiting the Department of Health and human Resources in Morgantown.
I walked into a slightly cramped and emotionless room with trepidation. The sun was shining outside, but somehow it felt like a cave inside. I can’t remember if there were windows, but if there were, the shades were drawn. The workers sat behind a plane of glass and a little black box for you to speak into. I took an application and found a seat. As I began to fill in the blanks, a million thoughts ran through my head. I had an overwhelming sense of shame because I wasn’t there to seek assistance, but to observe people who were seeking assistance. I was there to experience everything about visiting a welfare office, but because people are what I care about the most, I couldn’t get my mind off them. I had the strange sensation that I was at a zoo, simply observing some foreign creature in their natural habitat. This is what disturbed me about myself. The part that makes the analogy is the observing part. I’m not implying that they are animals. They are human beings with needs, just like me.
At the top of the application it read, “Screening Form.” I didn’t think this was a very good phrase for me to read first. Reading those words made me feel like a suspect. “What are they screening for?” I wondered. It was as if I needed to prove myself worthy of their assistance. I was offended that they didn’t trust me. I found it ironic that while I was sitting there answering questions about my financial status, President Bush was speaking about the state of the economy on the little t.v. that was propped up on the coke machine. I had the sense that my emotions would cause me to explode after sitting there for only 5 minutes. I think it just broke my heart to be there, even with the tough voice inside my head telling me that this is a real part of million’s of peoples lives. I was offered a little glimpse into some of the feelings that may be felt in that room, waiting to apply for assistance. I felt helplessness, anger, doubt, and shame. I put myself in the shoes of a father who’s just been laid off from his job and can’t provide for his family. When I thought that way, I became embarrassed and couldn’t look anyone in the eye. The greatest sensation I felt was the urge to run out of that room as fast as possible and not long after that, I did. On the verge of tears, I felt a wave of relief as I returned to the blue, cloudless sky outside the office.
Those that visit public welfare offices may go for different reasons. There are millions of situations that would lead someone to ask for help. While I was contemplating everything in the lobby of the DHHR, it made me think that we live in a profit driven society that seems to be more concerned with making money than helping people. If someone is working a job making minimum wage, and isn’t provided health insurance, what happens when they get sick and really need care? Can they count on getting approved for coverage? Can they even afford it if they do? If someone has to spend their life savings on hospital bills for both them and their spouse, how can they afford to feed themselves, let alone their family? Healthcare is a big issue surrounding welfare. The lack of it compels many to seek assistance because hospital bills can be outrageous. One real life example to support this is a friend of mine, who was self employed and without health insurance who was in a car accident and was paralyzed from the waist down. She was in the intensive care unit for almost a month, and in the hospital for 3 months total. By the time she left, her bill was around $790,000. They had to sell everything they owned and it wasn’t close. This is a real life situation. It’s not inconceivable that spending money on hospitals could drive someone into needing assistance.
Another question I asked myself as I sat there was, “what could I do to help in this situation?” I know that on a micro level, the first and best way that I can help is by simply listening. I can participate in their life by listening to them tell me about their struggles. Obviously a decision needs to be made about whether or not they are eligible for assistance, but when I shake their hand, look them in the eye, and treat them like a human being; it helps to empower those that may feel downtrodden. On a mezzo level support groups for those dealing with the shame and doubt that comes with welfare would be useful as well as workshops or tutorials that provide life skills training that may provide the skills not only to survive, but to be able to thrive in this society. If no one ever gave them such an opportunity, maybe it would go a long way in building confidence and respect.
This experience did not make me want to rethink my decision of social work as a profession. If anything, it only encourages me more. It’s not because the people that I saw in that room looked so bad and it makes me want to help them, it’s simply because those that seek assistance have such a negative stigma in our society. Most people, where the idea of “screening form,” comes from, need proof that you’re in need. We’re so mistrusting of people that you must pass an income and asset test in order to qualify. I understand that there really are people who lie, and are only trying to take advantage of the system. My point is that we’re in a circle of mistrust that never seems to end. Unfortunately not only do we have trust issues but we are also an individualistic society in many ways, and sometimes we can be lazy when it comes to mobilizing efforts to aide the forgotten populations like the poor, elderly, disabled and sick. Helping people who are in need is the driving force behind all social work. It is the idea that this profession is founded upon, and the one which urges me to continue.

.....................

2008-06-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

do you ever open your mouth to say something but nothing comes out??

it's no surprise

2008-06-23T22:34:00.001-07:00

i just cut the legs off another pair of pants.
after that i took a walk on the porch and felt the cool night air greet me.

change of scenery can be good sometimes. in my case, its been very healthy and special.

i miss russia though.........

however.........morgantown is healing some of the pain.
morgantown of all places.

it feels good to be [home]